The three positions
First position is your own experience, fully associated. You see through your own eyes, feel your own emotions, hear with your own ears. This is where you live most of the time. From here, the other person is "them" and you are "I".
Second position is empathic occupation of the other person. Step into their body, see through their eyes, feel what they would plausibly feel. From here, you become "I" and the other you was a moment ago becomes "you". Done well, this is uncomfortable — you'll see yourself the way they see you.
Third position is a neutral observer's view of both. Step back from both of you. From here, both people are "they". The observer notices the dynamic between them without taking sides.
The exercise, step by step
- Pick a situation. A conflict, a stuck conversation, a recurring tension.
- Set up three spaces in the room. Mark three spots on the floor. One for self, one for other, one for observer. Spatial separation makes the position-shifts cleaner.
- Stand in first position. Replay the situation. What do you see, hear, feel? What do you want? What do you assume the other person is up to?
- Shake off. Step into second position. You are now the other person. See through their eyes — including looking at where you were a moment ago. What do they see in you? What do they feel? What are they wanting? What's at stake for them?
- Shake off. Step into third position. You are now a neutral observer. Look at the two of them — both of them. What pattern is playing out? What would a wise friend tell them?
- Step back into first position. Bring what you learned. Notice what has shifted in how you hold the situation.
Common applications
- Conflict resolution. Before responding to a difficult email or message, run through all three positions.
- Negotiation preparation. Standing in your counterparty's position before the meeting often surfaces concerns you hadn't considered.
- Difficult conversations. Rehearse the conversation by stepping into the other person — you'll prepare for their actual concerns, not your projection of them.
- Recurring relational patterns. The same family-of-origin dynamic, the same workplace tension. The observer position often spots what neither participant can see.
Common mistakes
- Not actually stepping into second. You imagine the other person from inside yourself. The position requires moving your body and your imagination together.
- Third position not neutral. The observer is wise and disinterested. If your observer is still taking your side, you haven't fully separated.
- Skipping the shake-off. Move between positions cleanly. Otherwise you contaminate the next position with the previous one's state.
- One pass only when more is needed. For heavy material, run the cycle two or three times.
Frequently asked questions
What are perceptual positions in NLP?
A model with three positions — self, other, observer — for examining a situation from different perspectives. First position is your own experience. Second position is empathic occupation of the other person's perspective. Third position is a neutral observer's view of both of you. Some teachers add fourth (the system) and fifth (universal) positions.
When do you use perceptual positions?
When you're stuck in a conflict, a relationship dynamic, a negotiation, or a recurring interpersonal pattern. Moving through the three positions usually reveals information that was invisible from inside any single one.
Who developed perceptual positions?
John Grinder and Judith DeLozier formalised the model in the 1980s as part of New Code NLP. The underlying idea — perspective-taking as a therapeutic tool — predates NLP, but the explicit three-position structure and step-by-step process is theirs.
How is this different from empathy?
Empathy is the second position alone. The perceptual-positions exercise is structured movement through all three, with deliberate state-shifts between them. Second position is empathic; third is detached. Combining them in sequence produces information neither alone delivers.